Posted by: dawnawakening | 29 September 2011

My father is evil

I first had an inkling that my father didn’t treat me right when I was a teenager. It has taken me about 20 years to finally see that he is an evil man. In fact, now I find the word “evil” doesn’t feel strong enough. I don’t know if there are words to adequately describe my father. Here are a few I’ve come up with: evil, wrong, manipulative, calculating, terrorising, abusive, criminal, hater, rapist, selfish, cold, conniving, rejecting, mean, dangerous, demoralising, hard, depraved, toxic.

Even all those words together don’t feel strong enough.

The man who contributed the sperm never really wanted children and he strongly objected to having a female child, so I was rejected and hated the moment I was born. My father never did anything purely for my benefit; there were things he did for me, but only when it resulted in a direct benefit to himself. In a nutshell, he provided the basic tangible necessities of life: he had stable employment, we had a nice house, adequate food, clothing and education. This made him look like a father providing well for his family, but he gave nothing more … it was all superficial.

Inside our nice house, everyone was terrified of him. He ruled over us like a dictator. It was impossible to feel at ease, experience a sense of freedom and joy, or express a personal opinion. He had a million rules; I was always wrong while he was always right; he expected perfection and was physically and verbally abusive when I failed to meet his expectations. He trained me to be a robot, mindlessly following his rules. I had no sense of myself and very little understanding of the wider world. Occasionally he praised me, but only as a means to denigrate my brother or to imply to others that he was a successful parent. He tortured and terrorised me. He isolated me from society. He physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. He let others sexually abuse me. He neglected my health, physically and mentally. He continuously gave me the message that I was a burden to him, I was worthless.  He brainwashed me into believing that he was loving and the rest of the world was dangerous, when in fact it was the other way around.

How do I know that my father is evil and not just damaged from his own childhood abuse?

I know he is evil because he has never shown any remorse for any of his terrible acts; he continues to blame others and excuse himself. And I know he is evil because none of his behaviour happened in the midst of overwhelming emotion or out of ignorance. A damaged person might have anger issues and be angry indiscriminately because they do not know how to control their emotions. My father never lost control, never became rageful. He belted me often, and he did it with anger, but it was controlled and calculated. My father also definitely knew right from wrong. Whenever we were in public, he acted differently; when he was dating women, he knew how to treat them well. He definitely understood that certain behaviour is expected in our society and he knew how to conform to those expectations. When he wanted to be seen as ‘good’, he chose to behave in a respectable manner; when he was hidden from view, he chose something else.

My father purposefully chose to hurt me. It made him feel good, to make me feel bad. He liked the feeling of power and control, and the more terrified I was, the more he got out of it. He gained pleasure from my pain. This was a conscious, calculated choice that he made consistently from the moment I was born until several years after he told me to leave his house. He only stopped hurting me when I stopped having a relationship with him.

My father is an evil man.


Responses

  1. Yes, he is an evil man. I’m so sorry, Dawn. It’s no way for a little girl to grow up. Losing your mom must have seemed even harder.

    Thinking of you,

    Meredith

    • Thanks Meredith, and yes, it was completely devastasting to lose the good parent and be left alone with the evil one. I’ve learned recently that the moment of my mother’s death was when I took that final step from dissociating trauma to having DID. So many times I’ve said: “The wrong parent died”. There’s no other way to put it.

      Dawn

      • God Bless you and your bravery, strength and intelligence to write this so plainly, yet well. God as my witness, I have an alarmingly similar situation, thus how I found this correspondence at all. My ”dad” as I have put it for years now, is evil. My Mother died in 2011 and I swear he killed her ever so slowly. To me, selfishly, of COURSE the wrong parent died. But if you were God, who would you want with you? Our Mothers are doing a better job watching over us now than they ever were able to with the evil parent we seem to have that they were MARRIED to. My own husband and I both over the years tried discussing how my Mother could ”get out” of the marriage. No matter what we came up with time after time- the end result remained the same, she was inevitably STUCK. Not so much now, because our evil ”fathers” do NOT have the power they think they do after all. I do absolutely believe in one way or another in the end, they will pay- and miserably so. I do hope.

    • The same things have happened in my family and even today among little children I know of. What of the mother who turns the other way or purposely has her back and ears turned the other way to be able to say…I didn’t see or hear anything, it’s not my fault, if I would have known…blah, blah, blah…And she is excused because she didn’t know (good lord, give me a break, these mother’s dont’t want to know, it’s easier for them) poor little innocent things….And then the futur of their childrens lives are totally destroyed, but it’s ok…. the poor little mother supposedly didn’t know..how sad

  2. I have had a working definition of evil for many years now. It is: “terrifyingly unconscious.”

    And I mean unconscious of how anyone ELSE feels about what the evil entity does. Unconscious in the way that the question never even crosses their mind that anyone else could have any feelings in response to their actions or thoughts or words.

    Your father fits my definition. I am glad you have gotten away from him and severed ties; it is most unhealthy for you to be around him.

    Supreme praise to you for being who you are -a good person who cares about those around her- after being raised in that environment.

    I feel your anger and it’s off the charts in intensity. There is nothing to question here. You need to have those feelings until they have been exhausted. You are taking care of yourself and you have a good support team. I feel confident you will get through this process in time.

    Best wishes as you travel your path out of this abyss. (I would label it an abyss for myself, but if you don’t feel that is right, that is fine, and I apologize in advance.) You are doing it; hang in there!

    • Hi Freasha, thanks for sharing your definition. I’ve been searching for words and this is interesting to me. I understand what you mean by ‘unconscious’ and I’m sure my father would not regard himself as evil (or anywhere near it) because he is so self-absorbed that he would have no idea at all. Yet at the same time, I’m sure he knows that his behaviour hurts people. I’m not in his head and won’t try to be. I’m okay to just sit with “he is evil” and not think it through too much. Best thing I ever did was to sever ties with him. I really feel for other survivors who struggle with this and maintain contact which continues to hurt them.
      Dawn

      • http://www.sciencefriday.com/program/archives/201109305

        I heard this on the radio last week. It made me think of you. It is a call-in with guest Simon Baron-Cohen who wrote the Science of Evil. I don’t think you want to get into your abuser’s (father’s) head, which this sort of does so you might want to disregard this. But what jives with what you said is that he said people who lack empathy do, or can, know that they are hurting others, but they simply don’t care. While he distanced himself a little from calling that “evil” (which puzzled me because the word is in his book title), basically, that is what he was saying it was.

        But for you, Dawn, how unfair it was that you were stuck with one of these people, with no one outside noticing the devastation you were suffering and then acting on behalf of this helpless little girl. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am glad that you have worked so hard and are beginning to get a handle on it, and can take hold of your life going forward and steer it in the direction you deserve to go. Really, you deserve a plethora of joy, inner peace and happiness; and soon!

  3. *hug* im sorry……you deserve so much more than what he did to you. Im sorry.

  4. You deserved to have a good father….. keep strong

  5. wow dawn, I felt like I reading my own story here. Except reversing parents. My father was distant but everything you said was my mother 10 fold. It breaks my heart to hear and read this. I wasn’t going to get online, but needed some support or reassuring that I’m not insane.
    I hate your father! I don’t know you very well yet, but I know damn well your amazing, and your a survivor, no matter what that filth threw at you, you SURVIVED, that filth tried to destroy you but he didn’t, you should be so proud of yourself. I know its hard to hear, but you are the winner here, He tried to make you nothing, but what happened? You split and survived and are now living when he wanted to destroy and make you nothing. Its hard work putting the pieces back together, but just imagine how mad he would be feeling knowing your healing. I say F YOU to that scum.

    • hi Lotus, so sorry you understand this so well. thanks for the supportive words. Dawn

  6. i googled “my dad is evil” and i found your page. i’m sorry you went through that. my dad is evil too but some of his evil is due to his being so stupid. he’s a typical old-generation asian who grew up in poverty and ignorance, and as an adult, ruled his family with fear and violence. from my childhood he made me weak and demoralized and now mocks me for being a timid weakling as an adult. he imputes vile intentions to me: he thinks that i’m trying to take his money or that i will become the next seung-hui cho. i wish he would die but that old gook body of his just keeps on ticking.

  7. He sounds a lot like my dad. Look up “Narcissism.” Your father may also be a narcissist, as I have concluded my father is.

  8. Wow < I am amongst friends…Sadly we bind over tragedy but I believe we can all heal. I pray for all of us the same healing.
    I am 49 and my father continues to hurt me. I want to break ties but it is made difficult because I have a child he insist on seeing. Trying to work that out now. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • It can be SOOOooo… hard to break away from the abuser. I have heard comments like yours so many times and it breaks my heart. I wish you could see that you don’t have to do anything … let me say that again – ANYTHING!!! – that your father/abuser wants you to do. You are 49 and you can live your life without him in it at all if you choose to. I worry for your child. I don’t know what your father did/does, but since you are relating to my post about my evil father, I assume it’s bad. Please choose to protect yourself AND your child. You can break ties with him. Yes, there will be consequences, but they can’t be worse than what you have to gain – freedom and safety. Please don’t let him hurt you any more.

      Safe hugs if you like them,
      Dawn

      PS Feel free to write again if you’d like to discuss this further.

  9. you must be writing about my mother and my life with her. she was/is truly a toxic human being. the best thing that ever happened was her throwing me out, and my cutting her out of my life(this only happened much later). these toxic people deserve every evil thing that happens to them and we deserve to have a life free of them and their poison.

  10. Thank you to saying this.

    You describe my dad. He did almost the exact same things. Once he tries to kill me and my younger (nice) brother get his’s hands off me. My mother (in the house) was as usual nowhere in sign. I have to deal also with my evil old bother at school and at home. I understand your story. I want to know how you free yourself about this.

    If you please communicate with me in private I will be happy.

    Thanks

    Marie

  11. my dad is the same, but not sexual..thank god! Its terribld and destrucktive! My dad was a violent, angry alcoholic that beated my mother, his second wife, his father (i saw him beating his wife onbe…and he hit his dad in my room) I Hate it! I have thrown him out of my life years ago. He have told everyone that is interfiering to go to hell (including his parents and brother), has manipulated his wife and my younger sister and brother by saying I DONT KNOW WHAT. ..and,.and..Grr! Sorry for tearing up!

  12. My dad is also evil and me and my mother are
    Fed up. We plan to tell him friday that he needs to get out of the house. I plan to never speak to him again. I know how hard it is to stay strong, we are all survivers. Theres no better word for his behavior evil says it all

  13. To all the stupid mothers ou their who think their spouse is all that, thank you for letting them destroy their childrens lives and telling anyone who really cares and who tried to help or say something by telling her to go to hell…Real brave of you…In the name of your children, thank you for destroying our lives by being an accomplice and beleiving in low class, non educated people (in-laws) and in making sure that the continuum of their evil ways of education will continue on …generation after generation.

  14. What do you do when you know an evil father is terrifying, beating and terribly abusing his child and all of a sudden everyone in his circle is deaf and blind and thinks he is a terrific father and even acts the role in front of most people. The child comes to you and tells you he is tired of his father hitting him and scaring him and no one will beleive or listen to him except myself. I got kicked out of their home and told to stay away from the child for trying to defend him. The child has since closed himself off from everybody and wont talk about the bad treatment anymore. Even their circle of family and friends told me to mind my own business and stay away. They all say the best way to raise a child is by terrifiying him into listening to the parents and that way the parents will have the respect they want from the child.

  15. It is so hard to fathom a parent purposely hurting others – in that frame of reference most think of physical pain…but as bad, if not worse, is emotionally hurting someone. It can be done subtly, loudly, secretively, brashly. Over years the pain inflicted is as bad as a punch to the stomach. When the abused reaches a point where their body and mind breaks down, the evil parent has hit their mark. Narcissism, oppressive, manipulative, divisive…just a few words describe my father in law. Sadly his middle eastern, old school, the man rules and conquers all way of thinking was brought to the U.S. and instead of understanding and adapting to the new culture he fell back to what he knew. It was his way or the highway. He “wanted” a blue eyed, blonde wife “got her”. He wanted submissive children (he had a big surprise in store there). He wanted to run his empire with an iron fist. He wanted his wife to cook, clean and walk in his shadow (again, he was is for a big shock).

    Sadly, his wife, daughter and son all tried to break away but in the end came back into a dysfunctional situation. The grand children are now involved and in some cases are seeing the dysfunction in front of their eyes.

    The in-laws (myself being one) are fighting an uphill battle with our spouses now suffering physical ailments to include: stress, high blood pressure, migraines..and on and on. Many times drinking to “take the edge off” is part of their routine.

    Gambling and drinking are “escapes” for the parents these days who are now in their 70’s and 80’s. Sadly no one has ever spent 1 second confronting the years of emotional abuse…except one…my wife.

    My wife has spoken up…spoken out…and has been cast aside as a trouble maker and has received all the blame for the “family problems”. I can write for days on all of the details, the subjects, the comments, the terrible things her dad has said about his daughter/my wife…his accusations, the blame…

    It’s disgusting and it hurts me to see my wife in such personal agony. He is evil, practices being evil and takes delight in taking crap about her. He has divided his family to conquer them. As long as the four stay apart he can control the conversations, manipulate his son, keep his wife under control…

    And he is either the biggest bastard ever or the dumbest person I have ever met. Oh…and I work for him. How that came to be…and the fall out…that’s another week of writing…

    My wife’s life is another week of writing. The strongest personality who revolted against her dad…and all the years of struggles she has faced…only a few examples above.

    It IS possible for a parent to be EVIL. It is.

  16. I know what you mean. garret_luy@hotmail.com

  17. Our father was evil too. Narcissist. Pedop—-. Not a care for anyone else except his own damn self. I told my husband just this morning our father took delight in our pain. Now as we are more aware of each other and realize how broken we are, it makes us nauceous thinking about how hes enjoying his life rifht now and got things going for him.
    I had to leave the country for our safety. That was the only way to cut ties. Doing it over the phone wouldnt cut it. Distance does it. I dont know.
    We’re sorry your dad is evil too. Sorry for all the pain and torment. I believe their days are coming when the things theyve done will hit them in the face and theyll pay. Thats a hope we like to hold on to.
    Be safe. Take good care.

  18. Wow..that’s all I can say is wow…I too typed in ‘evil fathers’…my father is an undiagnosed sociopath with narcissistic side qualities. I am 58 years old…he is still alive at 87. He has damaged every single female that he ever had any kind of relationship with, other then his own mother and sisters. He has had 3 marriages, 3 divorces, one long term lady friend that he cheated on 2 years ago and I have no clue if he is still with the one he cheated with. He cheated on my mother 45 years ago for 3 years then finally left us. Mom was alone and unemployed and the creep paid nothing. Then he stalked her when she had the gall to start dating a year later! All of these women other than my mom, have been 15 to 20 years younger then he is…that is the narcississtic part in him thinking he can continue to get the ‘young ladies’. It creeps me out but I don’t have to see it any more. After 55 year of emotional, verbal and physical abuse from this waste of skin, I disowned him 2 years ago, to protect myself and my daughter who is 25 and who went through her own battles with his aggressive abuse and degradation. He thrives on making everyone small…he is a professional liar, manipulator, stalker, and threatens anyone that dare call him on it. I did just that 2 years ago and the end result was that he evicted my daughter and myself from a house he rented to us. We actually believed his lies when he bought the place to help us out…we were told by him it would be for as long as we needed to live there. To us that was forever…to him it meant ‘as long as you do what you are told, when you are told’. I caught him cheating redhanded 2 years later and said to him ‘for once in your life do the right thing and don’t cheat on Barb like you did on mom 40 years ago. Its ok to take up with someone else but it’s not ok to cheat on someone that loves you, she deserves so much better’. He warned me not to tell his long time lady friend but , he had no clue if I would do what I was told or not. I didn’t tell her ,in fact he blew it himself…these sicko’s lie so much they forget their own stories and that is how he lost her. But, he started his revenge campaign less then 2 months later against me just to prove he had control..and as a result we, his daughter and grand daughter, were one day short of homeless because of this piece of crap. He won the skirmish but we won the battle….we disowned him and we are HEALING from his toxicity. That is our revenge…we are doing so much better…my sister is just like him and I disowned her a year before I let him go. I will come back on here…there are so many warning signs of these sick people that everyone needs to get far far away…as young as possible. DO NOT STAY for yourself, some perceived self blame or wanting your daughter to have a ‘grandpa’….RUN!! It has taken me this long to crawl out from under HIS ROCK…blessings and strength to all in this situation…


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