Posted by: dawnawakening | 29 September 2011

My father is evil

I first had an inkling that my father didn’t treat me right when I was a teenager. It has taken me about 20 years to finally see that he is an evil man. In fact, now I find the word “evil” doesn’t feel strong enough. I don’t know if there are words to adequately describe my father. Here are a few I’ve come up with: evil, wrong, manipulative, calculating, terrorising, abusive, criminal, hater, rapist, selfish, cold, conniving, rejecting, mean, dangerous, demoralising, hard, depraved, toxic.

Even all those words together don’t feel strong enough.

The man who contributed the sperm never really wanted children and he strongly objected to having a female child, so I was rejected and hated the moment I was born. My father never did anything purely for my benefit; there were things he did for me, but only when it resulted in a direct benefit to himself. In a nutshell, he provided the basic tangible necessities of life: he had stable employment, we had a nice house, adequate food, clothing and education. This made him look like a father providing well for his family, but he gave nothing more … it was all superficial.

Inside our nice house, everyone was terrified of him. He ruled over us like a dictator. It was impossible to feel at ease, experience a sense of freedom and joy, or express a personal opinion. He had a million rules; I was always wrong while he was always right; he expected perfection and was physically and verbally abusive when I failed to meet his expectations. He trained me to be a robot, mindlessly following his rules. I had no sense of myself and very little understanding of the wider world. Occasionally he praised me, but only as a means to denigrate my brother or to imply to others that he was a successful parent. He tortured and terrorised me. He isolated me from society. He physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. He let others sexually abuse me. He neglected my health, physically and mentally. He continuously gave me the message that I was a burden to him, I was worthless.  He brainwashed me into believing that he was loving and the rest of the world was dangerous, when in fact it was the other way around.

How do I know that my father is evil and not just damaged from his own childhood abuse?

I know he is evil because he has never shown any remorse for any of his terrible acts; he continues to blame others and excuse himself. And I know he is evil because none of his behaviour happened in the midst of overwhelming emotion or out of ignorance. A damaged person might have anger issues and be angry indiscriminately because they do not know how to control their emotions. My father never lost control, never became rageful. He belted me often, and he did it with anger, but it was controlled and calculated. My father also definitely knew right from wrong. Whenever we were in public, he acted differently; when he was dating women, he knew how to treat them well. He definitely understood that certain behaviour is expected in our society and he knew how to conform to those expectations. When he wanted to be seen as ‘good’, he chose to behave in a respectable manner; when he was hidden from view, he chose something else.

My father purposefully chose to hurt me. It made him feel good, to make me feel bad. He liked the feeling of power and control, and the more terrified I was, the more he got out of it. He gained pleasure from my pain. This was a conscious, calculated choice that he made consistently from the moment I was born until several years after he told me to leave his house. He only stopped hurting me when I stopped having a relationship with him.

My father is an evil man.


Responses

  1. Yes, he is an evil man. I’m so sorry, Dawn. It’s no way for a little girl to grow up. Losing your mom must have seemed even harder.

    Thinking of you,

    Meredith

    • Thanks Meredith, and yes, it was completely devastasting to lose the good parent and be left alone with the evil one. I’ve learned recently that the moment of my mother’s death was when I took that final step from dissociating trauma to having DID. So many times I’ve said: “The wrong parent died”. There’s no other way to put it.

      Dawn

      • God Bless you and your bravery, strength and intelligence to write this so plainly, yet well. God as my witness, I have an alarmingly similar situation, thus how I found this correspondence at all. My ”dad” as I have put it for years now, is evil. My Mother died in 2011 and I swear he killed her ever so slowly. To me, selfishly, of COURSE the wrong parent died. But if you were God, who would you want with you? Our Mothers are doing a better job watching over us now than they ever were able to with the evil parent we seem to have that they were MARRIED to. My own husband and I both over the years tried discussing how my Mother could ”get out” of the marriage. No matter what we came up with time after time- the end result remained the same, she was inevitably STUCK. Not so much now, because our evil ”fathers” do NOT have the power they think they do after all. I do absolutely believe in one way or another in the end, they will pay- and miserably so. I do hope.

  2. I have had a working definition of evil for many years now. It is: “terrifyingly unconscious.”

    And I mean unconscious of how anyone ELSE feels about what the evil entity does. Unconscious in the way that the question never even crosses their mind that anyone else could have any feelings in response to their actions or thoughts or words.

    Your father fits my definition. I am glad you have gotten away from him and severed ties; it is most unhealthy for you to be around him.

    Supreme praise to you for being who you are -a good person who cares about those around her- after being raised in that environment.

    I feel your anger and it’s off the charts in intensity. There is nothing to question here. You need to have those feelings until they have been exhausted. You are taking care of yourself and you have a good support team. I feel confident you will get through this process in time.

    Best wishes as you travel your path out of this abyss. (I would label it an abyss for myself, but if you don’t feel that is right, that is fine, and I apologize in advance.) You are doing it; hang in there!

    • Hi Freasha, thanks for sharing your definition. I’ve been searching for words and this is interesting to me. I understand what you mean by ‘unconscious’ and I’m sure my father would not regard himself as evil (or anywhere near it) because he is so self-absorbed that he would have no idea at all. Yet at the same time, I’m sure he knows that his behaviour hurts people. I’m not in his head and won’t try to be. I’m okay to just sit with “he is evil” and not think it through too much. Best thing I ever did was to sever ties with him. I really feel for other survivors who struggle with this and maintain contact which continues to hurt them.
      Dawn

      • http://www.sciencefriday.com/program/archives/201109305

        I heard this on the radio last week. It made me think of you. It is a call-in with guest Simon Baron-Cohen who wrote the Science of Evil. I don’t think you want to get into your abuser’s (father’s) head, which this sort of does so you might want to disregard this. But what jives with what you said is that he said people who lack empathy do, or can, know that they are hurting others, but they simply don’t care. While he distanced himself a little from calling that “evil” (which puzzled me because the word is in his book title), basically, that is what he was saying it was.

        But for you, Dawn, how unfair it was that you were stuck with one of these people, with no one outside noticing the devastation you were suffering and then acting on behalf of this helpless little girl. I am so sorry this happened to you. I am glad that you have worked so hard and are beginning to get a handle on it, and can take hold of your life going forward and steer it in the direction you deserve to go. Really, you deserve a plethora of joy, inner peace and happiness; and soon!

  3. *hug* im sorry……you deserve so much more than what he did to you. Im sorry.

  4. You deserved to have a good father….. keep strong

  5. wow dawn, I felt like I reading my own story here. Except reversing parents. My father was distant but everything you said was my mother 10 fold. It breaks my heart to hear and read this. I wasn’t going to get online, but needed some support or reassuring that I’m not insane.
    I hate your father! I don’t know you very well yet, but I know damn well your amazing, and your a survivor, no matter what that filth threw at you, you SURVIVED, that filth tried to destroy you but he didn’t, you should be so proud of yourself. I know its hard to hear, but you are the winner here, He tried to make you nothing, but what happened? You split and survived and are now living when he wanted to destroy and make you nothing. Its hard work putting the pieces back together, but just imagine how mad he would be feeling knowing your healing. I say F YOU to that scum.

    • hi Lotus, so sorry you understand this so well. thanks for the supportive words. Dawn

  6. i googled “my dad is evil” and i found your page. i’m sorry you went through that. my dad is evil too but some of his evil is due to his being so stupid. he’s a typical old-generation asian who grew up in poverty and ignorance, and as an adult, ruled his family with fear and violence. from my childhood he made me weak and demoralized and now mocks me for being a timid weakling as an adult. he imputes vile intentions to me: he thinks that i’m trying to take his money or that i will become the next seung-hui cho. i wish he would die but that old gook body of his just keeps on ticking.

  7. He sounds a lot like my dad. Look up “Narcissism.” Your father may also be a narcissist, as I have concluded my father is.

  8. Wow < I am amongst friends…Sadly we bind over tragedy but I believe we can all heal. I pray for all of us the same healing.
    I am 49 and my father continues to hurt me. I want to break ties but it is made difficult because I have a child he insist on seeing. Trying to work that out now. Any advice would be appreciated.

    • It can be SOOOooo… hard to break away from the abuser. I have heard comments like yours so many times and it breaks my heart. I wish you could see that you don’t have to do anything … let me say that again – ANYTHING!!! – that your father/abuser wants you to do. You are 49 and you can live your life without him in it at all if you choose to. I worry for your child. I don’t know what your father did/does, but since you are relating to my post about my evil father, I assume it’s bad. Please choose to protect yourself AND your child. You can break ties with him. Yes, there will be consequences, but they can’t be worse than what you have to gain – freedom and safety. Please don’t let him hurt you any more.

      Safe hugs if you like them,
      Dawn

      PS Feel free to write again if you’d like to discuss this further.


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