I first had an inkling that my father didn’t treat me right when I was a teenager. It has taken me about 20 years to finally see that he is an evil man. In fact, now I find the word “evil” doesn’t feel strong enough. I don’t know if there are words to adequately describe my father. Here are a few I’ve come up with: evil, wrong, manipulative, calculating, terrorising, abusive, criminal, hater, rapist, selfish, cold, conniving, rejecting, mean, dangerous, demoralising, hard, depraved, toxic.
Even all those words together don’t feel strong enough.
The man who contributed the sperm never really wanted children and he strongly objected to having a female child, so I was rejected and hated the moment I was born. My father never did anything purely for my benefit; there were things he did for me, but only when it resulted in a direct benefit to himself. In a nutshell, he provided the basic tangible necessities of life: he had stable employment, we had a nice house, adequate food, clothing and education. This made him look like a father providing well for his family, but he gave nothing more … it was all superficial.
Inside our nice house, everyone was terrified of him. He ruled over us like a dictator. It was impossible to feel at ease, experience a sense of freedom and joy, or express a personal opinion. He had a million rules; I was always wrong while he was always right; he expected perfection and was physically and verbally abusive when I failed to meet his expectations. He trained me to be a robot, mindlessly following his rules. I had no sense of myself and very little understanding of the wider world. Occasionally he praised me, but only as a means to denigrate my brother or to imply to others that he was a successful parent. He tortured and terrorised me. He isolated me from society. He physically, sexually and emotionally abused me. He let others sexually abuse me. He neglected my health, physically and mentally. He continuously gave me the message that I was a burden to him, I was worthless. He brainwashed me into believing that he was loving and the rest of the world was dangerous, when in fact it was the other way around.
How do I know that my father is evil and not just damaged from his own childhood abuse?
I know he is evil because he has never shown any remorse for any of his terrible acts; he continues to blame others and excuse himself. And I know he is evil because none of his behaviour happened in the midst of overwhelming emotion or out of ignorance. A damaged person might have anger issues and be angry indiscriminately because they do not know how to control their emotions. My father never lost control, never became rageful. He belted me often, and he did it with anger, but it was controlled and calculated. My father also definitely knew right from wrong. Whenever we were in public, he acted differently; when he was dating women, he knew how to treat them well. He definitely understood that certain behaviour is expected in our society and he knew how to conform to those expectations. When he wanted to be seen as ‘good’, he chose to behave in a respectable manner; when he was hidden from view, he chose something else.
My father purposefully chose to hurt me. It made him feel good, to make me feel bad. He liked the feeling of power and control, and the more terrified I was, the more he got out of it. He gained pleasure from my pain. This was a conscious, calculated choice that he made consistently from the moment I was born until several years after he told me to leave his house. He only stopped hurting me when I stopped having a relationship with him.
My father is an evil man.